Humour

Bringing you the News before it happens!

British wind farmers are facing bankruptcy after European Union trade rules have left them unable to compete against cheaper wind from Africa and the Far East.

‘I’m facing complete ruin’ said Giles Merridon, from Cumbria. ‘This wind farm has been in my family for five, maybe six years. But it’s just not viable anymore. A whole way of life is disappearing in our countryside. Entire communities that have grown up knowing nothing but wind farming will be cast on the scraphead. Along with a load of very expensive wind turbines, obviously.’

Over the past decade the number of wind farms across the United Kingdom has rocketed as pressure from the environmental lobby persuaded the government that wind power provided a cheap and clean source of renewable energy. But with capital costs so much lower in sub-Saharan Africa, European wind farmers are suddenly complaining that they are being undercut by imports cheaper wind which they claim is of a far lower quality.

‘It’s almost as if people don’t care where the wind comes from as long as their light switch works,’ claimed Mr Merridon. ‘It’s like they are watching the telly without giving a second thought to the source of their electricity; England, Scotland or this rubbish low-grade wind from Kenya.’

One consumer admitted ‘I’m not sure who provides my leccy to be honest. A bloke came to the door from the Gas Board and said they would provide it more cheaply, but then I think I was persuaded to get it from Sky or British Telecom or someone. I do get a bill from Southern Electric, but I think that’s for my water. Or is it my broadband connection?’

However one enterprising former wind farmer has managed to survive by heading into the problem. After his wind farm closed down in 2005, Rhys Thomas set up the Powys Wind Farm Heritage Museum; ‘We have guides dressed in traditional 2001 clothes. We have an interactive model of the National Grid as it was at the turn of the century. And the whole Visitor Centre is powered by traditional British wind power. Except there was no breeze again today so we had another power cut.’

NewsBiscuit


Now when your children look down their noses at you after the teachers have been indoctrinating them with the latest Al Gore Movie or the Life story of “Chris Huhne and his Magic Windmills” have a little read and quietly tell them the real story about “The Green Thing”

Friends and relatives, here is something to think about:

In the line at the store, the cashier told the older woman that she should bring her own green grocery bag
because plastic bags weren’t good for the environment.
The woman apologized to him and explained, “We didn’t have the green thing back in my day.”

The clerk responded, “That’s our problem today.
The former generation did not care enough to save our environment.”

He was right, that generation didn’t have the green thing in its day.

Back then, they returned their milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store.
The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled,
so it could use the same bottles over and over.
So they really were recycled.

But they didn’t have the green thing back in that customer’s day.
In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building.
They walked to the grocery store
and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time they had to go two blocks.

But she was right. They didn’t have the green thing in her day.
Back then, they washed the baby’s nappies because they didn’t have the throw-away kind.
They dried clothes on a line,
not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts – wind and solar power really did dry the clothes.
Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that old lady is right; they didn’t have the green thing back in her day.
Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house – not a TV in every room.
And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief, not a screen the size of the state of Tasmania.

In the kitchen, they blended and stirred by hand
because they didn’t have electric machines to do everything for you.

When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it,
not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, they didn’t fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn.
They used a push mower that ran on human power.
They exercised by working so they didn’t need to go to a health club
to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she’s right; they didn’t have the green thing back then.
They drank from a water bubbler when they were thirsty
instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water.

They refilled their writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen,
and they replaced the razor blades in a razor
instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But they didn’t have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the tram or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school
or rode the school bus instead of turning their mums into a 24-hour taxi service.
They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bankof sockets to power a dozen appliances.
And they didn’t need a computerised gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites
2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza shop.

But isn’t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful the old folks were just because they didn’t have the green thing back then!


War of the Whirls

by Dougal Quixote

In the year 2017 the United Kingdom, as it was, is much changed. Scotland has it’s independence and a bank rating slightly below Greece and Little Britain is a very different place. In the name change of 2014, due to the Referendum on EU membership run from Brussels, as well as a downgrading of the state, Emperor Huhne was appointed and now resides at Buckingham Palace. The Queen and Prince Philip have moved to an old folks care home in Essex courtesy of the new Emperor. Prince Charles is believed to be living on the Balmoral Estate but only intrepid explorers now venture North of Milton Keynes. After the 2ndexpenses scandal (?) of 2013(the dodgy dossier)  the Houses of Parliament have been turned into a high security prison ensuring that those Climate Change denier, anti wind-farm MPs of the revolution of 2012 are incarcerated for life. The new Government is now run by Brussels through the Department of Energy and Climate Change. The country has become an urban paradise and the only residents of the countryside are reduced to gibbering imbeciles running around with their hand over their ears kicking turbines. This is of no surprise to the chattering classes in London who believed that was always so. And how the countryside has changed. From a point north of the Thames corridor, white and silver leviathans cover every metre of ground in a silent homage to the gods Paucholi and Gore. Even the empty plinth in Trafalgar Square is shared by these two giants of Climate Change. Well the turbines do remain silent for 82% of the time as a lack of wind, predicted in 2011, has proved the only thing that they got right. French Nuclear energy provides the lights for London and the South East. Major brownouts are a feature of the rest of the country. Of course, the wind farms are not underperforming. It is the anti wind terrorists that are blamed for the phalanxes of blackened, rusting, oil spewing distorted monsters that litter the fields of turbines. Lack of funding, revenues diverted to French power companies for Nuclear energy, reduced subsidies and with that the foreign wind farm owners disappeared to fleece more profitable sheep. Maintenance suffered and turbines exploded in self emolument, blades flew from uncontrolled rotation and oil spewed forth and tainted the land. Emporer Huhne’s beautiful wind mills danced the dance of destruction. Only in the further reaches of the isles do a few Glens and Mountains stand clear of this visual pollution, protected by an Amazon race of Highland women, the limbs and heads of deceased French and German wind farm installers still poke through the winter snows in stark mortis. Only there does the kite and buzzard fly replete on their unexpected banquet.

And what of the young? In a primary school in those reaches south of the Thames, a small child comes to the teacher to tell her that Mr. Turbine is angry. She gathers her class at the feet of the school playground turbine and with great glee and excitement assures the children that Mr. Turbine is so happy that today the wind is blowing that he is spinning so fast that sparks are flying. She encourages the children to sing the Green Song. A harsh crack and thump and pieces of blade fly across the playground. “Oh, Rowena, you’ve lost your head and look at Jemima’s blouse. Her mummy’s going to have to wash that. Bobby, stop kicking Rowena’s head all around the Playground” Inured to the daily screening of the Climate Film 10/10, it is of course assumed that those children now strewn grotesquely across the playground are all climate deniers, indoctrinated by evil parents. As the class return to their classroom, the teacher briefly wonders whether the sudden reduction in the school roll may affect her job.

© Fenbeagle


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2 Responses to Humour

  1. wren reck says:

    wanted to say thankyou to Dougal Quixote for the bit of a relief, I hope he wont mind that we added that lovely bit of pathos to our blog, it nods to him, replete with website address too! Lovely I could just see it!

  2. I really think that Emperor Huhne should pay attention to the threats from China, and even Norway, both of them working on Molten Salt reactor science.
    Norway launched, no kidding, a study of Thorium energy capabilities with the requirementt that their report be “knowledge based”. This observer was puzzled at first by the phrase, until he realised how much public energy discourse is Ignorance Based, both the denial that human industrial effluents are responsible for global ice melting, and the pathetic idea that wind and sun and even rain will be enough now, when it wasn’t enough at the time of the American Revolution.

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